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electricsheep59

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Sensation [21 Feb 2009|10:02pm]
I hate this feeling
That I'm just constantly living the same day over and over
Even when situations and faces change
the experience, the feelings its all been felt before.

Nothings new, neveradvancing.
Nothing

Despratly I'm trying to move forward and get out of this perpetual feeling of deja vu

But alas, it seems this sensation has a firm grip upon me.



And now I retreat to another night of fucked up too real nightmare.


Goodnight.


(Ps- Got a free bottle of 20 oxycotin and my doctor perscribed me some liquid hydrocodone. I will bee in lala land for a while.)
Have You The Brain Worms?

Hmmmm [19 Feb 2009|09:43pm]
Maybe Ill start unsing this again dunno
Have You The Brain Worms?

My life [16 Jan 2008|02:37pm]
Is aright right now. I'm really in a diffrent spot then I ever thought I would be. I roll with druggies and crips now. Pretty much every scrap of innocence I had has been torn away. But whats life without a couple scars.
Have You The Brain Worms?

Dread wig. [16 Dec 2007|07:23pm]
I would love to embrace my intermost alternative self and get dreadlock. But my job would fire me, my parents would kick me out and with my super thin super damaged hair I don't think it would work.

So would investing in a wig be a smart idea? How much would they cost if I could even find them? And where could I get them? I'd love if they were a crazy color like pink. Then I could give my natural hair a break.

Thank for helping a silly little girl like me.
Have You The Brain Worms?

No one read mine [14 Nov 2007|03:21pm]
HBut its ok.

It's horrible when it feels like the homies you thought would be there turn their backs on you and set up traps just so they have reasons to bring you down.

a year with scott on the 8th, but i need more then just him. I want to know other people care adn have some real homies. I've had this shit happen before, make him your world then when he leaves everything crumbles and your left with rubble.

Make him your sun, not your sky. The sun can sink but it'll rise again.
Have You The Brain Worms?

it has been 12 weeks since I last posted [26 Sep 2007|03:05pm]
And life is all good. I suppose. I can't complain but I still want more. Me scott and john are like a family now really. We all cling to each other and spend every free minute with each other. That I enjoy. Me and scott are good, we're really close blah blah blah.

Though he's been pissing me off, cause he won't listen to me when I speak alot. Which is a big respect thing with me. 11 months coming up in 4 days =]

School started, adn I'm excelling and unlike all the years before when I've run around knowing every one and always partying, this year I'm keeping to my fam, cause no one else really gives a shit as I've learned.

I got a sewing machine yesterday =D I can't wait to tinker with my new toy.

And the sihk underground from what I hear is falling apart. I ran upon the scene right as astrid haven originally broke up, so I never saw the original magic. Ah well, I have never been 'sihk' or anything else. I'm jsut a free thinker with a lot of heart if you show me respect.

I was going to do this model training thing,. but I like my free time, so nah.

Tequlia and dr pepper is nasty, and so are waffle house steaks and salads.
Have You The Brain Worms?

Songs. [28 Jun 2007|11:14am]
Guess the song by the lyrics

1. I know the dialect It's nowhere I haven't been before
With skin that's sore Battle scars that rise from our inner war
Are decorative medals of honor that our father decided to pass through inheritance

2. Eight ball nigga's for all the stolen goods
I rock them bitches and get freekydeeky
With the front row tickets for all of my bitches

3. Put on your boots and walk out the door.
Forget the face that you watched before.
It's not worth the time or worth the tears.
Shut your mouth. Be a dear.


4. Now i guess the babies don't eat, bloody daddies head dead in the street.
And their ain't no rainbows where the cocaine flows.
Thats where ya' go when you try to behave hard.


5.Well I can easily understand
How you can easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene


6. Now Clyde was a lover,
And Bonnie was a queen,
They set their sights for Texas and never left the scene

7. The pigs will squeal, their blood will drain
Finger paintings of the insane
Slice the throat of authority
Look deep past the skin and you will see


8.You fixing to know the reason and you about to find out
What it is to suffer with a rusty blade in your mouth
No where to run
No where to hide
Being stalked by the Skarecrow
The bloodline of Malaki

9. velvet touch your mouth on mine
drunk on lust like drunk on wine
the world will end we'll hear the thunder roll.


10. the fire in her eyes
grew dim and then died
as the poison inside
reached her heart

11 They're Out To Get You, Better Leave While You Can
Don't Wanna Be A Boy, You Wanna Be A Man
You Wanna Stay Alive, Better Do What You Can
So Beat It, Just Beat It


12 In a crucifiction ecstasy
Lying cross chequed in agony
Stigmata bleed continuously
Holes in head, hands, feet, and weep for me


13 I wish that you were my Lollipop.
Sweet things, I will never get enough.
If you show me to the sugar tree,
will you give me a sodapop for free.

14 I'll be the one to protect you from
Your enemies and all your demons
I'll be the one to protect you from
A will to survive and a voice of reason

15 Her eyes are a deeper blue, she likes her hair that color too
She can even wear a dress, that doesn't mean she'll ever confess
Have You The Brain Worms?

So last night. [15 Jun 2007|01:56pm]
It was crazy. It felt like an alternate universe. First Jessica WANTED to drink, then some guy gave her mom $20 at the ABC store for NO REASON, we got a big bottle of 100proof SoCo. Then the cat they dumped about 10 miles away found his way home. Twas crazy fun at first. Me, Jess, Justin, steph and jessicas mom all drank and were merry until her mom got too drunk and sad then steph was 100% gone and gave some alcohol to some other kids and Jess chugged a shit load and got drunk. Then once everyone got to sleep me and jess and justin couldnt. =/ Then her dad came home and it wasn't too fun. Someone put her moms phone in the fish tank. But it was so fun hanging out with jess and justin and having to hide justin uder the covers so her dad wouldnt see him. Hehe, goo thing he is ultra tiny. Me and justin really never got sleep. Then I had to leave at noon xP

I feel bad for ditching Noor, britt, amber and Kaci though. But I can't be smoking any ganja and I knew I'd be tempted.

Last night was anything but ordinary. But it was with cool people and my best friend =D and even the bad time were weighed out my the fun and laughing.

But I hope all hell dosn't break loose over there today =/

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a>


No sleep.
Have You The Brain Worms?

Sumnmer. [10 Jun 2007|10:12am]
[ mood | weird ]

I met Kaci, Brittanys girl friend yesterday. I really like her, she is nice andd good to brit. Me and scott had our 7 months recently =D.
It is summer at last, but it dosnt feel like it. 10th grade was such and insane year for me, I did so much and it went by all too fast.

My mind was curled up and locked away for a long time, but now its back full force. I can think and my mind is on fire now and I love it. I numbed it for too long and now i relish in the too fast thought i used to hate.


The first day of summer was amazing. Super fast paced driving around screaming and laughing our heads oof, going from eastway to sunset and back in 30 minutes then missing our exit and nnot knowing wtf to do. Haha
I hope summer keeps up like this

I'll start posting more.


"Today I introduced myself
To my own feelings"



But for now a music survey.

Opening Credits: Sage Francis - Inherited Scars

Childhood: Dope stars inc- Right here in my arms (remix)

Waking Up: Boondox - Lady in the jaguar
Ahahaha! Hoes come to my doors first thing in the morning.

Everyday: Micheal Jackson - Beat it

High School: Kottonmouth kings - This my club song

Dancing In Underwear Song: Pantera - I'm broken
aww no happy song =[

Partying: Fat Joe- I make it rain
where them hoes at?

Clubbing: Peter Glam and the buttfuckers - Scream Dream

Fight Scene: Rent soundtrack - Tango Maureen
I'm a lover not a fighter =D

Vacation: Jedi mind tricks - Blood in Blood out

Deep Thought: Astrid Haven - Prosthetic Stars

First Date:Jack off jill - surgery

Falling in Love: Rock kills kid - Dream

Love Scene: Mindless self indulgence - Prom
"Guess what, girlfriend
You have got nothing on me, whore" haha

Breaking Up: I am Ghost- We are always searching

Night in Alone: Lil wyte- Acid

Getting Back Together: London after midnight - Let me break you
"What on earth went wrong
just tell me what went wrong
can't understand just how you feel" fucking love this song

Driving: Nelly furtado - Promuscuous Girl

Action Scene: Captin Jack - Dream a dream

Mental Breakdown: A perfect circle - Pet
"Pay no mind what other voices say
They don't care about you, like I do, like I do
Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils,
See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do."


Inspiration: Moby - Lift me up

Flashback: Rent - Light the candle

Regretting: Boondox - Rolling hard

Growing Old: Astrid Haven - Ingrown Shadow

Rainy Day: Kottonmouth kings - Kings blend

Relaxing: Acid Bath - Dope fiend

Stargazing: Immortal technique - Fuck you

Falling Asleep: Iced earth - I died for you

Death Scene: Rob zombie - Welcome to planet mother fucker

Closing Credits: Acid Bath - Dead girl

1 Inferior Earthling Have You The Brain Worms?

I know whats missing. [18 May 2007|04:19pm]
I want to belong. I want to have people who are like family, we can all laugh and be happy together and support each other when times are hard. I want a family, I want to fit in somewhere were people want me. Not fit in like conform, but for people to want me around and enjoy me and I enjoy them too.

I felt like I belonged today. Me walking with Scott and Jon; following jason, laren, Anothney, whitney and everyone outsidfe to fuck around. Everyone buying food and Dr.Pepper and throwing it on the lunch table to share, looking at some fucked up hentai together laughing our asses off having a great time. I felt so happy, I felt like I belonged. Everyone giving us looks but not caring. I love this family. But it won't last long. So many people are going away over the summer and there is just 2 weeks left in school. This won't last but now I know what I need.

I do have a small family though. Jon calls me and Scott his Mommy and Daddy. We are family and I love them both.

jon:"Daddy! daddy! Don;t leave me! ahh ahh! daddy don't hit me!"(joking around)
SCott: "Shut up son! Yo mama hit me I hit you!"
Jon; MOMMY!

I lvoe those two. Family <3

I get too see ICP, Twiztid and boondox with jon on wensday. Scott left for japan today for two weeks =[
Oh yeah I went to prom.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a> Meh dress

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a> Meh lover scott

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a> Meh makeup face

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a> Phillip scott jon

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a> CHarlies ANgels
1 Inferior Earthling Have You The Brain Worms?

It's been a while hasn't it [23 Apr 2007|03:03pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

And life is just moving forward. Everyday seemes to go by faster and I go with it. Neither good nor bad, just going with the flow. I see lots of envy in me lately, I look at people and wonder why they have things I don't. I'm bored, so completly bored with life. I want wild adventures and wide eyed wonder but I feel trapped and held back and denyed from this.
I dont like giving things up either.
And I hate complaining and feeling down. Because I shouldnt. people say I'm awesome and love me but I still feel incomplete and not quite good enough.

But I love this world anyway, it is beautiful, and I love living in Charlotte and having my friends and wish I knew more wonderful epople like them. Life is good right now but I want it to be great.

THe one thing bothering me the most is I feel like I'm losing my mind, really losing it. My mind used tro be on fire constatly with thoughts and emotions and now its blank and empty: It's not me. I;m a shell of the perosn I was for you to hold up to your ear and hear what you want.

I sit back and I see all I have and I;m thankful but I'm selfish and want more, I want everything but It's not going to happen.


-Give me ethnicity or give me dreads-
<3

Have You The Brain Worms?

Breanna Graham, your an angel now sweetheart =[ [16 Mar 2007|11:29am]
[ mood | Crying ]

Everyone says at one point that life is long that you have all the time in the world to do things but really you dont. everyone at one point or another feels like there world is falling apart but you dont really understand how much someone means until all of a sudden there gone.....

A girl named Breanna Graham was an angel.. she was the type of person who only had to walk into a room and everyone would smile she was gorgeous, smart, and funny. in one word that everyone could agree upon to describe her is an angel...

I know this is not really the coolest thing to do but O well i am going to send this around and everyone that agrees she is angel can sign along the bottom even if you didnt know her sign it anyway so that her memory may live on.

March 9th 1991 - March 15th 2007
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a>Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a>
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket</a>

THis is ripping me apart.
All I can think about is your dead body swing in the breeze.
But your not in any pain anymore, and I will try and smilie for you.
It seems like everyone is so sad, our tears made it rain. It's raining so hard outside.
We miss you Bre.
I miss you. I was jsut starting to get close to you and now your gone, and you were so special.
Its funny how in the play you were going to be the lady in the window that everyone loved and wanted to be. Which is true in real life.
=[
And when all the crying people came into the media center all the conselers basiclly did was lecture us about telling when people are depressed and yeah you should but that just made us feel shitty. So then me, kellie, Cylisa, scott, john and corey and charlotte jsut walked out. Security was all up on our nuts threatning us telling us we need to follow procedure and corey was like 'fuck that, your friend dying isnt motha fucking procedure neither!'. So we all sat infront of the school for 4th block.

I went to drop off my AP exam sheet and saw Corey and matt, they seemed down today too. Matt was trippin out and saying it was raining diamonds and I was a porcupine, that made me smile but I'm still sad.

I can't believe shes gone, shes not the person to die. Anyone but her. When people die its not supposed to be people like her.

Her funerals sunday. Its going to be very very sad. Lots of people will be there.

3 Inferior Earthlings Have You The Brain Worms?

Ehehehehe [12 Mar 2007|03:00pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

God, I am so fucking sore from snowboarding last night >.<
I fell on my face 2374+ times and crashed into a fence too. It was fun though =D Esspecially when I got scared and sat down on my board and gangster leaned down the hill. I didnt get back till 2am though and was drained. ahhh

Damnnnnnn homie.
Gah wtf is wrong wth me.
Hmmm... I might start talking to Kelsey again, but idk.

Meh life isnt too interesting recently. It bums me out.
Grrr.

xP

ack wtf ever I'm done I can't write today.
ANd I have to write 3 fucking essay.
Fucking shit fucking shit fucking shit

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Pic-cha time!Collapse )

Have You The Brain Worms?

I think I'm ill. [07 Mar 2007|05:50pm]
I have been so fucking exhausted latly. Tired to the extream for the last month. I could sleep for 2 days straight and still wake up more tired then before. And I’m droping weight faster then people drop acid at burning man. I hope I don’t have cancer or some shit. People at school are even commenting on how I just look quite literlly dead tired and sway as I walk.

Bleh.

So tired.

Oh yeah! I got my permit a few days ago and they messed up and put M under gender, so yeah. I’m a guy now, a gay guy =]
Gay pride!
Hehe, I’m not going to change it either. I want a cop to pull me over and be like WTF!?!?!?

Grrr.
Fuck it I am done with shelley. Nothing good comes from the fucking whore. She fucked me over and now she fucked robin over and had her bitch ass dad about to call the cops on robin because shelley decided to snort some vicodine with her. It was her own choice Mr.van ass atten. Stop blaming people for your daughter always fucking up. I didn’t make her bad and I am NOT a bad person. Yeah maybe she is 18 but I am a billion more time mature then her.
Gah.
Need coffee.


ANd finally took some ink blot tests today in psyAP.
1. Was supposed to see a winged creature adn I saw dancing bears
2. Supposed to see clowns, saw kung fu chickens
3. the one representing my dad I saw a squid
4 for the mother one i saw a demon
5 for sex I saw budhha O.o
6 and for the last one you were supposed to see one figure but I saw 10 scorpions and a duck. Lol and that one is supposed to pinpoint scizo
Its total bullshit but it amuses me =]
Have You The Brain Worms?

No more. [25 Feb 2007|09:54am]
[ mood | crazy ]

No more getting drunk in public.
No more public intoxication.
No more coming home sobbing and tripping over myself.
No more making the people I love worry or making a fool out of myself.

Chuckles should have old me how strong it was xP I couldnt even make out anyones face.
Eek, I;m sorry everyone for flipping out last night. THanks Kellie and jason for helping me out adn putting up with me.

Haha if I wasn't flipiing my shit friday would have been fun. Lol erin got so high she ran into a pole then passed out and pissed herself while we were puking in qudobas. GOd I hate birkdale. And I hate hangovers. ANd I wouldn't have kknow it was jason if he didnt have his ICP pendant. Hahaa,,, wtf is wrong with me?

Well no more substances, I had scott worried. He was up all night adn went though 2 packs of cigs worring about me.

eek =O

I'm so strange.

Snowboarding today! Wheee!!!

Heres some people that are cool. I know strange people.
CUT CUT CUT LCIK CLICK CLICK!Collapse )

Have You The Brain Worms?

Decay makes me happy [19 Feb 2007|11:50am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

So Jessica, Steph and Mama B all think I am allergic to alcohol. Cause everytime I drank my lips swell up really bad.
God God Damn it Damn it.
Oh well I don't care!
So this weekend was off da hook. Friday went to scotts house and hung out, haha I'm there so much. It was fun, we watched the entire second season of aqua teen hunger force. And any day with him is amazing and so was that day.
Saturday went to jessicas, hung out and played on the Wii being retarded as usual. Then got drunk with her mom and sister. Lost count of how many shot I had. Couldn't stand up then went to Concord malls to get some food from dave adn busters. Dude, it was scary when her dad came by, he knew somethign was up. And alcohol + spicy ass nacho = Vomit vomit vomit
Hehehe and just lotsa fun. I love jessica, shes my sister and I'm like family there. They really want me to move in with them, and I could, but I like things right now.

Damn, I feel like I've grown up alot recently. I've quit caring about lotsa stupid shit, opened up and just been a better person =D I miss some people, and I intend to talk to them more. Mainly kellie and greta.

And just...yeah. I'm so chilled now. I love life and my people. I like who I am now. And how I don't try to fit in and just do what I like.
Yeah.
I'ma start using this more.
Picha time!Collapse )

1 Inferior Earthling Have You The Brain Worms?

Hello [12 Feb 2007|02:50pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Yeah.
I never feel like updating anymore.
Nothing new. Same old same old. Except I've relized that I don't fit in anywhere and people lie to me alot. Oh well. Its life and i like life right now =D

1 Inferior Earthling Have You The Brain Worms?

Xmas break [23 Dec 2006|10:00am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Pretty boring so far. Except thurday when I went home with scott, that was fun. His parents brought out the good china to eat on so apperantly they adore me. yay.
Bleh I'm bored and its way to early but I just can't sleep. ANd I feel bad cause I just can't seem to keep in touch with people. Like kellie was my other half last year and I just never call her anymore and it saddens me, and I find myself not want to go to Rons party even though he wants me to go. Urgh, I just wanna go to jessicas and chill with her. My wodnerful bacon buddy who mistakes potatoes for turkeys and loses fights with cans.

this year has gone by way to fast. I remember around this time was the first and last time I saw john, was forced to go to the shitty JROTC ball with kenny; shortly after that I got with Nick for 8 months and thought I was in love, then thats ended and I thought I was going to die, and now I'm with scott and I love him, I love him so much.

Lots of first this year too. I tried several substances for the first time this year, most actually. I think I'm moving too fast, and I got casught with some pills once too.

And after the incident with kelsey I found out you can't really trust people, even after knowing them for half your life. I do miss this girl, but I don't know, I just don't. We we just starting to get close again when this all happened. I don't blame her though.

-sigh- And I can't count how many moments I've had when I'd just sit back and it'd hit me. "Omg I exist" SOmetimes followed by happines that I am real and do exist adn that that existance is going well. And other times comepltly overwhelmed by this existance and the sheer time it takes and how it is real and does matter. And comepltly sadness and hopelessness other times not want to be real and not knowing whats going to happen and wanting it all over with.

I have thought too much this year. I wish we had no ears and were free minds and spirits in comeplte silence. We don't need bodies, we can all be souls floating in...well nothing really cause nothing needs to exist. ANd wouldnt even be a world if we were just floating around. Just imagine it -smiles- It seems beautiful even though it woudnt be cause their would be nothing to see and we would have no eyes.

I'm done being werid for now.

Survey!Collapse )

Have You The Brain Worms?

I guess I'm back [18 Dec 2006|04:58pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Yeah, I like this journal and decided to come back.

These past few months have been eventful to say the least. I got busted giving shelley some Hydracodines(sp?) and was in alot of shit for that, all cause of her stupid ass boyfriend calling her dad drunk and ratting us out >:o I FUCKING HATE DAVID!! urgh.

I met some new people.People must think I'm the shit, so many people are like "omg Monica is so cool, she's like my best friend." Bitches, no I am not. It's flattering, but it makes me feel bad turning plans down with everyone to be with my real friends.

ANd I met a lovely new boy, scott. ANd I care for him deeply; but he's got some emotional problems that make me worry about him, it makes my heart sink to hear him cry. But I feel a great connection to him, he's my amazing sugar bear =]

Ive become a beast on DDR =D I can play some heavy! yay!

Blah but now I'm sick and feeling like shit. I havnt kept in contact with kellie, and I miss her. I miss her so. ANd those annoying ass skaters in theory won't leace me the fuck alone. After I've already knocked the wind out of most of em too. Urgh, stupid freshman.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting New hero

Pichas!Collapse )

Have You The Brain Worms?

My mind... [12 Oct 2006|05:41pm]
Is free again. I feel like it has been pulled out of the haze.

I can actually THINK now and I love it.
Have You The Brain Worms?

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